I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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