Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
