Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
