she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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