Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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