so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
