My liver just broke up with me...
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
