a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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