Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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