I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
