They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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