Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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