He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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