Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
