I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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