On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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