i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Sorry my hands just texted you
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
