my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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