I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
