eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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