I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
