At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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