we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
When are your genitals available?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
