If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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