Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
