Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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