2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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