I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
