I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
