I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
