Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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