I wish my penis had an off switch
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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