I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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