I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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