I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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