Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
