I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
