I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
