She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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