I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
