I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't deserve a penis
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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