I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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