The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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