I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
