Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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