I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
