last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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