my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
