my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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