I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
