just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I could make wine with my vomit
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
